Dreaming with a broken heart, Part II

I miss my daddy. I miss him terribly. I’ve been dreaming of him a lot lately. What is so absolutely frustrating is I can’t remember the dreams when I wake up. I’ve tried so hard to remember. I know I dream about him, that much I can remember, but in what context, what did he say/do? I have no idea and it makes me sad.

I think I know why I’m dreaming about him more. I won’t go into a lot of detail, but it seems like now, whenever I lose someone in my life, not necessarily by death, but even the loss of a friendship, will cause the loss of my dad to surface so much more. I’ve lost a few people in my life recently. I think that is part of it.

Anyway, I vividly remember the first dream I had about daddy after he died. It took a while for me to dream about him but when I did, it was so special. In the dream, we - (me, Kev and Mel) were at mom and dad’s house, but it wasn’t either house that I knew. We were visiting in the middle of summer and I was trying to get ready to go somewhere. My dad always had this thing about not running the air. He would wait until it was a good 98 degrees outside before finally turning it on for the first time in the summer. I think it all goes back to how he grew up, but LORD! For someone (me), who likes it a comfy 72/73 most of the time, it was always brutal. ANYWAY… in my dream I am trying to dry my hair and put on make-up and ladies… you all know how hard it is to do that when you are sweating like a pig… Well I’m getting madder and madder and madder and finally daddy and I are at the thermostat fighting over where the air should be! I'm finally like, “Dad! I’ll pay your electric bill this month, just please let me run the air!” He grumbles and finally goes and sits down. It was a funny dream.

I wish I could remember the ones I’ve been having recently, which is part of the reason for this post. So my next post, which will still take me a few days to write, will be in honor of my father. I’m hoping that by writing some of my memories, maybe I will remember some more.

Dreaming with a broken heart

That's it...

Technology Rocks!!!!

I mean, yes, there are areas that it goes toooooo far, but I’m not gonna get on that topic. I’m gonna tell you how it ROCKED for me the other day! Okay, it is Tuesday morning. Mel and I have pulled into the parking lot at Cooks for her sedated ABR in plenty of time and fully prepared. I was SO PROUD of myself. I had brought along a couple of toys she likes along with her favorite toy ever. It is “Alphabet Town” by VTech… Anyway, she LOVES this toy that Uncle Gary bought her. (Uncle Gary isn’t really a blood uncle, but he and Kevin go WAAAY back and he was best man at our wedding.) I figured that this would be great for passing the time in between registration and then when she actually went back for the procedure. Well, I get out of the car. Get loaded up. Put Alphabet Town in her backpack and zip it up as far as it will go because it is a bit too big for the backpack but I already have my hands full with purse, backpack, Melody…
Darn! Drop keys. Go to pick them up and crash boom bang! Alphabet Town hits the freakin’ pavement… HARD! My heart sinks… Morning ruined??? Many bad cuss words cross my mind. But we get inside and luckily they were ahead of schedule so we moved right along…
Fast forward to me in the waiting room… I am freaking over Alphabet Town. Grab cell phone. Go on-line. Search VTech Alphabet Town. Target shows to have it. Call Target by the house. “TOYS PLEASE!!!” I’m transferred and spoke to a delightfully sweet girl on the phone… “Do you have this? It is my daughter’s favorite toy and I BROKE IT!!!” On hold… she comes back… “Yes ma’am, we have it. Would you like me to put a copy of it up front with your name on it?” OH HECK YEAH!!!!
Yup… it ROCKS!

What up?

So what have I been doing since last August? Well, our life still goes 90 to nothing, non-stop, but something has happened since last year… Maybe it is due to turning “35” (shiver) or maybe it is just all the events that we’ve dealt with in the last few years, but I learned to be more at peace with life as it is. It is what it is, right? I mean, yes, things are still hard and I worry and stress and all that normal stuff, but there is a peace to me now.
For the first time in my life, ever, I am comfortable with who I am. I am comfortable with my body the way it is. I mean do I still look at VS models and think “darn to look like that...”, but I just feel more at ease with my physical appearance. I also am in my comfort zone as to the person I’ve become spiritually and emotionally. Do I still need to work on these areas? Oh yes! But I know the path I’m on and I like who I’ve become for the most part and who I am still becoming. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, and that is more than okay.
I’ve realized that nothing happens for NO REASON. Everything that happens to us… good/bad/indifferent is to teach us to become better people. It is so easy to get into a pity me mode. I strive to be as happy as possible and not let things completely rock my world anymore. AND LORD trust me there has been enough happen in the past few months that in the past would have done just that. I would have crawled up into a hole and stayed there for days…
I’ve found the fun Marlena again too! I make time for me now more often. Sometimes I feel overwhelming guilt for it, but in the long run, if it makes me a happier person to live with and be around and a better mommy to Mel, then taking time is not a guilty pleasure but a necessity. I’ve actually gone and hung out with friends socially, which I hadn’t done in years!! A couple of drinks really don’t hurt every once in a while and girl talk is more important that I realized.
I finally started scrapping regularly! I’ve done about 30 pages or so now and I don’t know what I would do without it. It relieves stress for me. I love being creative and it is such a good outlet for me. Be prepared to see some pics posted on here if I can get any decent ones of the better pages I’ve completed thus far. My subject is of course always Melody… but am branching out with some family stuff and some John Mayer pages from the concert last year that I went to… which was AMAZING by the way. I had so much fun… it was worth what I paid to sit that close to the stage! Anyway, I WILL BE boring you with posting some of my pages here soon as one of my goals is to get all my “picture projects” done by the end of May (I am being realistic). 1) I need to develop all the past and present pictures in the camera and then 2) I need to take pictures of my scrap pages and post them and MOST importantly 3) I need to do a whole new picture schedule for Melody (for more on that see her page!)
Other than that, Rudy is still alive and with us and so is DaVinci and the two cats… All in the house… Still a zoo. Rudy Tooty (this is a peace lily that is from my dad’s funeral) however is not faring well lately… All of the leaves started to turn black on the ends and I had to cut it completely back. THEN as it starts to make new growth my daughter decided that all the new little baby leaves needed to be plucked. So, per my husband’s suggestion, I moved Rudy Tooty into the formal living area. I really didn’t want to do this because in there I just don’t see it as often, but since doing that and some serious TLC, Rudy Tooty has 4 new baby leaves on it! Just had to share that little story because those little freakin’ leaves make me immeasurably happy!!! =)
By the way… Kevin is alive too!!! He he he he… =)
So I will try to post more often! Love and blessings to all!

Ok... I've had more than a few people ask why I'm not updating so I'm working on it!!! Until then, April is Autism Awareness Month! Please educate yourself whenever you have time as the numbers of children being diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum is epidemic!

Please remember when you are out in public and see children who are "being bad" that it isn't always that it is a bad kid or bad parenting... It could very well be Autism, so instead of looking at the parents like "Hey, control your offspring"... offer a smile instead!

For more info visit: www.autismspeaks.org